At first it was just cloudy then the clouds turned green. The wind started to blow. By the time the hail started I was pacing the floor wondering where the outside cats were. Hoping and praying they were safe. I stood at the back door talking to my friend and watching the hail. The trees whipped in the wind. The hail pounded their bark and leaves. The ground was rapidly turning white. When I ended the call I decided to take pictures of the hail. I couldn’t get any good shots from the door so when it seem to let up a bit I went out to collect a few pieces in a bowl. Soon as I steeped from the porch I felt small chunks of ice pounding my back and shoulders. As I bent to and paced a few bits of the cold ice into my bowl I thought I was going to be beat to death. Oddly enough I felt this way before I ever stepped from the porch. Before I ever opened the door to look at the hail. Before the hail storm began. Even before 2013 started.
2013 has been a hard year. If I had to define the past three months using only one word that word would be loss. Deaths, loss of friendships, so many people in physical and emotional pain and the loss of me. Me, that person who made caring for others her life. Now I find myself fighting the urge to run at EVERY cry of distress and I feel awkward. Now that I’m not physically there for everyone does mean I don’t care? The person I am today says no. The person I am today asks; When you’re taking care of the details of the lives of everyone else when do you take care of you?
Taking care of me is more than a full time job and it saddens me because I feel to take care of me is to exclude others. What I have found, however, is that taking care of me makes me a better person for not only me but for those around me- those who I love and new people in my life. I received a message the other day from O. G. Tones, a friend, fan and fellow author, that said, “I love your zest for life, Katrina.” Her response was to a video I sent her. In the video I was singing and whipping my hair with kids and adults at the Mississippi Children’s Museum.
I hadn’t thought of myself having a “zest” for life. My life seems so choppy to me and at times quite boring. But comments like O. G. Tones are typical of the comments I receive on a regular basis. “You inspire me.” “I love your fun attitude.” Etc. And then there’s that big question. How do you stay so positive all of the time? I don’t. I get frustrated, mad, tired and sad just like everyone else I just try to concentrate on happy things. In 2013 I have met a lot of wonderful new people, traveled to some new places and done a ton of new things. (You can read about these in my email newsletter K-News. Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org to subscribe.) I also know that the hard times will pass just as the hail storm came to an end and the green nasty clouds were replaced with sunny, clear skies. The cats returned. Life was good.